Of ups and downs

according to my last post, i was supposed to be active once again, in my blogging activity, but, i've been lazy, unmotivated and ya... in a refusal state to blog. Some things are better stashed away than to air them.

tonight, there's a sudden urge to blog and the weird thing is that i feel a lot calmer than the recent weeks, which is certainly good. Thinking back, if i were to blog during that period, the entry/entries would probably be very biased. Now, its a good time to pen down, maybe because i have been enlightened? or perhaps, i learn to see things differently. Either way, feeling "indifferent" may be the the right term.

I realised... i am a slow learner. I thot all these while, I am sharp, quick-witted, and perhaps, humorous. Oh, and I forgot to add, i thot i was strong too. But, apparently, after going thru a stony period recently, i am none of those.

SHARP?
How do you define "sharpness"? Able to understand the situation, one's likes/dislikes, in chinese, 会看人脸色, quick to sense changes in mood/environment/feelings etc? Heck, i always thot i am sharp. Acquaintances/associates say that abt me all the time. But... i failed miserably in this department. Its seems like "quote : U just never learn lor"... Maybe, its not that i never learn. Its pure carelessness or maybe... took things for granted, that pple who love/know me well, knows that THIS IS ME. But, i really want to "Just be yourself". How? very dilemma right?

QUICK-WITTED??
One would ask, "quick-witted"?? Is this a criteria or a must? Yes, it is, for me. My loved ones are very quick-witted and i do suspect they dun tolerate unconstructive or non-challenging conversations. Whatever happened to the good old term of "chit-chatting"? Its tiring, to be quick-witted at all times.

HUMOROUS???
Being humorous is such a BIG thing... at least for me. I love humor, whether dry or black or lousy. I love hearty laughter... who cares glam or not? I am not, and will never be able to learn to "cover my mouth to stiffle a giggle". My jokes are generally funny, and most love "being around me" for that one good session of humor. But, are these pple seriously enjoying lighter moments in life when i bring joy to them? Now, i wonder, my humor seems to go sideways recently. Humor becomes "..." or "not funny" or "ha... ha... ha...". and.. i will go "...... (silence)".

STRONG????
"So strong for what??"... ya... why huh? There's no special prize to be a strong woman leh? To be strong, one must learn to be emotionally detached. I am such a 'people's people", so how to be detached? I genuinely feel for most people, even those who are unrelated to me. I dun succumb to pressure nor stress, but of late, i realise its getting quite tough, bottling up. To speak or not? To do or not? And best.. instead of succumbing to just pressure or stress, i succmumbed to my productive tear glands. Only that... i fear to cry. Hence, the cry becomes quite half-F.

Well, i do honestly feel better penning out. I know there will be pple out there saying," What u writing for? To let the whole world know ah?" or "aiya... for show rite?". Not really. Writing has always been a way for me to release the pent up feelings and knowing myself... i recover faster after penning. Also, when i do look back, i know i will laugh at myself for having such negativity then (now).

I have mixed feelings abt my coming trip to PD. I hope all will turn out well. I need to get back to become the old me.