Slithering Away

out of self-defence (for fear of getting hurt) and/or due to emotionally scarred? Talks are cheap. Sincerity is questionable. Ultimately, being double-standards set the barrier.

Happened. Happening Again.

Yea, WTH is happening????

Once bitten, Twice Shy....?

I love the old saying, "Once bitten, twice shy". What happens when there is a "thrice"? Becomes a dumb ass.

Some people are self-defensive, hence after the 1st bite, they dun allow a 2nd time to become shy. Instead, the defence becomes so strong that they tend to form a mind of their own, sometimes to an extreme which is beyond understanding.

Some people, on the contrary, let things happen over and over again. Never mind how bad they felt when they 1st went thru the obstacles. Never mind the pain they felt after going thru the "unlearnt lessons" for the umpteen times. "Well, won't lah... this will be the last time", a common phrase (more like denial if u asked me).

When one finally start learning from the numerous "bites", they are usually emotionally battered, physically tired and perhaps intellectually challenged. Then, this is the time when they finally admit that "history does repeat". And this is also the time, when people ard them will go "Congratulations! Finally you are learning" or "What took you so long to learn?" Well, kinda demoralising right?

There's no right or wrong here, and no definite answers to whether one shoulde get smart after the 1st bite or, one should be adventurous to explore more bites. End of the day, its all about how one deals with the bite.

My case? History repeats but I am hardly defensive abt it. People come and go. Memories fade. Promises kept and broke. What's new? Just get a grip, get tough and going. after all, history equals to "routine" and experiences will teach us how to deal at the appropriate time.

...

Of ups and downs

according to my last post, i was supposed to be active once again, in my blogging activity, but, i've been lazy, unmotivated and ya... in a refusal state to blog. Some things are better stashed away than to air them.

tonight, there's a sudden urge to blog and the weird thing is that i feel a lot calmer than the recent weeks, which is certainly good. Thinking back, if i were to blog during that period, the entry/entries would probably be very biased. Now, its a good time to pen down, maybe because i have been enlightened? or perhaps, i learn to see things differently. Either way, feeling "indifferent" may be the the right term.

I realised... i am a slow learner. I thot all these while, I am sharp, quick-witted, and perhaps, humorous. Oh, and I forgot to add, i thot i was strong too. But, apparently, after going thru a stony period recently, i am none of those.

SHARP?
How do you define "sharpness"? Able to understand the situation, one's likes/dislikes, in chinese, 会看人脸色, quick to sense changes in mood/environment/feelings etc? Heck, i always thot i am sharp. Acquaintances/associates say that abt me all the time. But... i failed miserably in this department. Its seems like "quote : U just never learn lor"... Maybe, its not that i never learn. Its pure carelessness or maybe... took things for granted, that pple who love/know me well, knows that THIS IS ME. But, i really want to "Just be yourself". How? very dilemma right?

QUICK-WITTED??
One would ask, "quick-witted"?? Is this a criteria or a must? Yes, it is, for me. My loved ones are very quick-witted and i do suspect they dun tolerate unconstructive or non-challenging conversations. Whatever happened to the good old term of "chit-chatting"? Its tiring, to be quick-witted at all times.

HUMOROUS???
Being humorous is such a BIG thing... at least for me. I love humor, whether dry or black or lousy. I love hearty laughter... who cares glam or not? I am not, and will never be able to learn to "cover my mouth to stiffle a giggle". My jokes are generally funny, and most love "being around me" for that one good session of humor. But, are these pple seriously enjoying lighter moments in life when i bring joy to them? Now, i wonder, my humor seems to go sideways recently. Humor becomes "..." or "not funny" or "ha... ha... ha...". and.. i will go "...... (silence)".

STRONG????
"So strong for what??"... ya... why huh? There's no special prize to be a strong woman leh? To be strong, one must learn to be emotionally detached. I am such a 'people's people", so how to be detached? I genuinely feel for most people, even those who are unrelated to me. I dun succumb to pressure nor stress, but of late, i realise its getting quite tough, bottling up. To speak or not? To do or not? And best.. instead of succumbing to just pressure or stress, i succmumbed to my productive tear glands. Only that... i fear to cry. Hence, the cry becomes quite half-F.

Well, i do honestly feel better penning out. I know there will be pple out there saying," What u writing for? To let the whole world know ah?" or "aiya... for show rite?". Not really. Writing has always been a way for me to release the pent up feelings and knowing myself... i recover faster after penning. Also, when i do look back, i know i will laugh at myself for having such negativity then (now).

I have mixed feelings abt my coming trip to PD. I hope all will turn out well. I need to get back to become the old me.

Getting More Settled Down

Yea.... after some ups and downs (in the mood department), I can feel myself slowly getting back to the old momentum, i.e. to work and work. afterall, having gone on a "defiant strike" from work, its time to pick up the pieces and get back to proper agenda, i.e. making money. It is not CATHERINE to only care about my own temperament and ignore the livelihoods of many others. Hence, work still must go on.

Maybe I am getting impatient? Or... maybe its a form of nervous-ness? I just cant seem to pinpoint what is exactly "wrong" with me? Over what, u may ask. Actually, over many things. Work is certainly one of it. Its coming 8 yrs since we started Leadz. Yes, we are doing great in recent years. Not enough to declare millionaires, but thankful enough for seeing thru "not-too-bad" kinda living standards. But, my guts seem to have gone on a World Tour, and I am not sure when will this vagabond returns to settle down. Expansion plans are constantly in our minds. But, the energy to see thru the plans, is the major factor. With Gwen still young, i hardly think I have enough time nor the right frame of mind to conjure the future. Also, I cant risk having all eggs in the basket, being unprotected. I liken myself as a mother hen, always worrying about the eggs, if they will hatch well to become fine chickens one day, or will they suffer?

Well, the plan now is to let nature takes its course and of cos, with some helping hands, to take risk at the right time.


Besides work, i also find myself getting more settled down as well... actually, its more like on the contrary kinda thing. I find my "peaceful" lifestyle interrupted. I am not sure if I like this kind of interruptions, but i certainly am not against it. My mood has been yoyo-ing for the past few months. Somehow, rebellious me seemed to want to 'prove" something. Prove what huh? I also dun understand myself. Maybe things have been pretty stagnant and i do need some excitement. Gosh, the way I am describing and the way others perceive if they do read this post, seem to suggest that I am trying to "do somethhing really naughty'. Halt your sick thots. I am merely thinking that I need to be a little more daring than I already am. Doing things that I used to do when I was young, and somehow, stopped, becos I am a wife and a mother now? Hahahaha!!! Outrageous acts that hb knows and yet I havent been doing?

OK... just chatted with darling sel. time to analyse a bit. Hope i wun get overly affected like i did few months ago. Damn! I am just so cut-out for this role. Sigh

On leave

Well, hubby's not feeling well. Wanted to call off my leave. But I thot better for him to rest w/o my disturbances. So I commenced my leave at 12pm sharp. Headed to suntec within 1 hr, $200 flee away easily. Damn. Hence I did the next best thing I.e. Head to haunt at millenia. Shiok!!!!!!

Spent abt 2 hrs here and still counting. 1 litre already swirling my brains. Good to chill out liddat. No worries, no frustration and best of all, no disturbances. Just wat I need. I dun need to spend my leave doing things tat I can be doing everday. I just need a break from work. I am feeling damn terrific now. Mind totally at ease. No issues, mo concerns, no worrying. But something still missing. What is it?

Well.... i paused at least 4 hours before i continued my posting cos i just din have any inspiration to update. After 0.5l x 3 and 0.3l x 2 and that heavy heavy dinner.... i simply felt TERRIBLE. totally opposite of that "terrific" word i used in above paragraph.

And, its proven. The blackies simply adore me. blardy hell!!! One blackie kept making eyes at me till i felt like flunging the mug across onto his face. Too bad, he caught me in a foul mood.

Anyway, settled the bill at abt 9pm... and stood outside Oscar's planters for a good 15mins. Pretty refreshing, to have nice breeze sweeping across that zombie face of mine. After a string of sms-es, i figure out something. Its better to blog than talk. Talks are cheap and irritating. The recipients may or not be reciprocative. And anyway, there is absolutely no reason to make pple worry or to bear with my nonsense.

Well... seems like this blog's gonna get active once again.

The escape

Houdini must be my idol of late. He never fail to amaze me with his incredible ways to escape. Tortoise must be my favourite animal too. Underneath the hardy shell, is fragile body n soul, and of cos a hiding place. Ostrich is probably my mascot for we both have equally big bodies and loves to bury our heads when faced with dangers.

Why the negativity, you may ask. I find it quite hard lately, to lift my moods. I think this must be the effects of prolonged cheerfulness. It can get pretty challenging to find ways and reasons to constantly be smiling, chirping bright "hi!!!!" or throwing head back to laugh. Ya, I used to enjoy these acts cos they were my "trademarks". But maybe age has caught up with me. Or am I getting into the defiant mood? As what a fren said to me recently, "just be urself". I started thinking pretty hard. Am I not myself? Or, my innermost actually wants me to live for myself? Hv commented to me," ya, think..., think more things and make urself unhappy". Hahaha, that's mocking at me lor.

Hence, I have decided to treat myself better. Go on 2 days leave to rediscover myself. I duno what good things will arise from there but at least, hopefully this break will "give me a break" from the knotty issues that's been weighing me down. Quite nice to 偶而 犹豫一下. Hahaha!!!!

Ok, I can feel myself happier now. There! I just knew myself well. Can't talk, just blog. :)