Dilemma

Havent been having sleepless nights for a long time, probably bcos I have been working hard and by nightfall, i find myself drained of whatever energy left. Each night, we leave the office ard 7+, and sometimes find ourselves back home, as late as 10pm, after our dinner. NOw, i find myself laying on my bed, with the mind ticking furiously, as if i am a Strategist in a war.

My daily routine, to bathe son (not always lah, sometimes hb does the favour), switch on laptop, start whatever remaining work left over from day time. Of cos, cant miss my dramas on Ch55 too. I miss my "ME time". Esp of late, hb n me, have been lamenting the fact that thgs have been different. We are losing a lot of our own quality time, among us and with our son.

I've been thinking lately, if its time to slow down our pace? I find myself not adhering to the regulations set by hb n myself, i.e. no work on weekends. In fact, we work every weekend now. I dun quite like it, becos i know that I m seriously losing out quality time with Daryl.

Well, I suppose if the weekend work provides satisfaction and monetary rewards, then its still fine, since hb works with me every wkend, for our RSs. In a way, my marriage, is bonded stronger, becos we both go thru the same shit each wk. Haha... Thats call "share the happiness, share the woes". But, when i say "shit", it literally is "shitty". Human's minds are really narrow, and is esp. hard to work with certain pple, who tend to be overly suspicious. Maybe, money is the root to all evils. Esp when pple feel threatened over a potential loss of monetary values.

It just is getting harder and I feel more resistant towards the wkend job. Of cos, minus the shittiness, i love my temps, who brave thru all boredom, busi-ness and bad weather. I love HB even more, for being my pillar of support, and sometimes being my "frustration-bin". I love my parents, for their willingness to take care of Daryl Darling when we are at our events. But, beyond these loves, i love myself too, for being blardy obstinate abt accepting the job. I love myself for the ability to tolerate the shit "poured" onto me, by unprofessional pple. I love my self-control, as compared to my younger days. Cant forget how i would stand up to unfairness, and gettin myself into shittier situations. As i grow older, my temper mellowed down. But I too, also start to find myself in a "cowardy" situation, i.e. to be nice, and refusing to get into further squabbles, no matter how frustrated or unfair treatment showered.

Indeed, if that someone is observant enough, my lack of sincere laughter, is a dead giveaway. For once, Catherine is incapable of snubbing, rebuking and digging at him, and has lost her wits. Professionalism has become a new word for me. I find myself listening and participating apprehensively abt potential new projects.

Where's impartial Catherine? What has happened to Ms Nice? Why is "Lady Boss" behaving so "unconvincingly confident"? So many questions i am slapping myself with, after we ended our discussion. Wanted so much to tell Bestie that i want the old Catherine to be back to her life. Wanted to say i m incapable of handling complicated human relationships. Catherine's world should be as simple as possible, something that i have resolved to attain. And becos of the "cowardice", i find myself getting deeper into confusion, over accepting the new challenges. The Angel and Devil appear the same time in my mind, each saying "should or should not" accept the challenge.

HB says i tink too much. Sel n JC always say i tink too far. Bestie never fail to comment that I am overly sensitive. Isnt characteristics inborned? I m nice by nature (who isnt?). So when i m nice, and i accept the job, knowing the path ahead is gonna be damm rocky, i should be applauded? or labelled as "Dumb" for bringing mess to my life? And if i reject the job, would frens/family pat my shoulder to say they will respect my decision? or will they say" hey! thats thinking too much and you'r not being professional?"... which is which?

Mavloo recently said he's sensed that i seemed to change. Am not like the past, that cheerful. Every evening if we do msn, he will always hear me say i'm working. He also reminded me that the old JJ seems to have disappear, Her msn sentences always seems to be poorly constructed and full of typos. Its sad, but i knw its the truth. Mavloo dun sugar-coat his conversation with me. In fact, besides bestie, think he's the next one, who dares to be harsh with me. What has happened?

Maybe its time to recharge? Some encouragements would be good, i presume.